How Thoughts and Behaviors Either Enable or Disable

Woke up this morning and my first thought was, what's my name now, what would you call me? A rose by any other name is still a rose and still as sweet. Then, this old poem I wrote was the following thought.

You see, I used to think many things foolish whereas I now see wisdom. Likewise, I now see foolishness where once I saw wisdom.

In this instance, I once perceived myself as powerless, a victim of use, abuse, manipulation, and taken advantage of (which is true to a point) but we don't know what we don't know until we know it. This becomes a philosophical question, "Can you call it manipulation if you were just acting on patterns you were taught?"

For example, I was raised by a narcissistic mother who trained me to diminish myself and taught me that everything was my fault. According to her, I was responsible for being seen not heard and I had to make everyone happy. (that's the short version) Love was 100% conditional based on my being "a good girl" which was never possible.

So, there was a time that I perceived my petals were being plucked, my grace, compassion, forgiveness, and love taken away from me, and also my sole responsibility to give, leaving me stripped to a stem. In my arrogance then, I thought, "Keep wishing you could hold the likes of me again. I cut off anyone and walk away." My perception became one of survival and in this state, I was giving my petals conditionally trying to earn or deserve love.

However, once I became aware of why I was giving, the thoughts and reasoning behind it, I began to see where I was over giving and giving conditionally. Over several years, I was able to learn how to identify the way my behaviors and thoughts were enabling, opening doors, for others to use and manipulate me. The great part is that by learning about my thoughts and the motives behind my behaviors I could then rewrite my mindset. This meant facing the insecurities I had developed and all the thoughts of what it meant to be a good girl and so much more. Over time, I learned that choosing to be a victim is a choice, and allowing myself to feel used is because I was giving to get something back. Learning to develop a mindset that can disable ourselves from being able to be used and/or manipulated is possible. We hold the power to either

perceive ourselves as powerless or to take our power back.

Taking our power back is not a point of arrogance, which is what social media "know your worth... I deserve culture" would promote.

Rather, knowing your worth is about internal validation. What you deserve, well, nothing; however, you decide the standards by which you treat and talk to yourself which in turn becomes our natural allowance of what we allow as input into our lives.

Your personal power is in being self-aware and mindful that what you give to others is from your excess and not from a place of giving to get back.

Once you have awareness of giving from excess versus plucked petals, you can feel a distinct difference in energy exchange. Crossing the line into petals leaves us feeling drained, empty, and the question becomes not about pointing a finger of manipulation or use, but:

• Why did I allow it?

• What emotion or need am I trying to fill?

• Why am I staying in something that makes me feel like crap or I'm walking on eggshells etc?

• Why am I not claiming my power and walking away?

A hint: if you feel you're stuck because 'I can't leave.', odds are you're in something you need to leave.

**Why? Because love is freedom and doesn't grip. Love understands that gripping strangles; whereas, love is willing to let go to let grow and let flow.

Does use, abuse, and manipulation happen, yes abuse does and yet, the older I get and the more life experiences I have endured and healed, the more I believe manipulation and used are victim mindsets, perceptions. I do believe that we hold the power to be unshakable and un-manipulatable once we understand our own internal motivations, expectations and needs. The by-product of this is true authenticity. Our own Authenticity allows us to let others be themselves without affecting or compromising ourselves. It comes with the understanding that each individual is behaving based on their own current mental, emotional, physical state, and how they perceive things is through their own life lens. This means their perception is not the same as yours and as humans we are self-serving in nature. Each of us can only control our own thoughts, emotions and behaviors not those of others.

Therefore, "Used and manipulation" are victim mindsets of saying, "You have control over my thoughts, emotions and behaviors. I don't."

We have choice in all things and even not making a choice is choice.

So, is it possible to hold the rose again?

That becomes a question of growth and gardener. In short, Yes, all things are possible. Duality is in all things as well.

You see, the rose is responsible for regrowing petals and no longer allowing them to be plucked, only giving from the excess of essence. Likewise, the gardener must learn self-awareness as well, taking responsibility for not tending the rose. This requires mutual learning that fosters growth to flourish and endure. The Gardner learns the needs that help the rose blossom and doesn't expect the rose to tend itself. The Rose learns that giving of its essence to the Gardener is just that, essence, aroma, the output of the blossom, but the rose retains its petals continually in bloom.

Our interpersonal relationships are rose and gardener. No matter what type of relationship the rose and gardener should be fluid and interchangeable, we are always both. At the heart of our relationships, a growth-fostering point of view is healthy and secure; although, this does require mindfulness of our intentions, expectations, and mutual respect through mutual humility.